


if I lose myself

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Complicated Relationships, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 02:35:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18907771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Javi was smiling and all Yuzuru wanted to do was to hug him, but he didn't know if he had a right. There was no cameras around them, and Yuzuru was feeling strangely vulnerable. His heart was beating loudly as he felt a harsh spike of longing, deep in his chest. It was so hard, to pretend that the feelings weren't there, no matter how much he was trying to convince himself they didn't exist.





	if I lose myself

**Author's Note:**

> This is a certified Hot Mess. You know the drill, very fiction, posting from school (it's Tuesday wohoo) and sorry for autocorrect mistakes.  
> Inicially I thought it would be a sequel to 'and I' m a goddamn coward... ' but I'm leaving it to you guys if you want to read it as one story or not. Please mind the tags and I hope you enjoy!

Yuzuru wasn't really sure how he got there, but there he was, in front of Javi's door. Maybe it was because the season was over now, and Yuzuru was feeling a little light-headed, excitement from the win still buzzing in his veins. Or maybe he could still feel Javi's warmth lingering to his skin since they had embraced before, Yuzuru putting his medal around his neck.

Javi was gracious in his defeat, like always, but Yuzuru had noticed a flicker of disappointment in his eyes, the way his smile was a bit more tight than usual. He was tired, exhausted even, but it seemed that no one except Yuzuru could see it.

Yuzuru was exhausted too. Not only because of the competition, of the whole season.

No. He was just so tired of pretending.

Javi was wearing a thin t-shirt and sweatpants, probably his sleeping clothes, and he smiled at Yuzuru with slight surprise.

"Hi." he said, tilting his head a little "Didn't expect you here at this hour."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to interrupt." Yuzuru said quickly and Javi shook his head.

"Don't worry." he said, stepping aside "Come in."

Inside, they looked at each other, quiet, and Yuzuru couldn't help but think about other moment, months ago, when Javi's eyes had been different and Yuzuru had made a decision that he kept on failing.

"Why are you here, Yuzuru?" Javi asked quietly, just like then, and Yuzuru's heart clenched painfully.

"I just wanted to check on you."

It wasn't a lie. But not the whole truth either.

"I'm okay." Javi said, shrugging "You don't have to worry about me."

Javi was smiling and all Yuzuru wanted to do was to hug him, but he didn't know if he had a right. There was no cameras around them, and Yuzuru was feeling strangely vulnerable. His heart was beating as he felt a harsh spike of longing, deep in his chest. It was so hard, to pretend that the feelings weren't there, no matter how much he was trying to pretend they didn't exist.

Javi took mercy on him, in the end.

He sighed quietly, shaking his head and closing the distance between them. His arms around Yuzuru were strong and sure, and so familiar Yuzuru felt like crying. Why he had been denying himself that for so long?

He knew the answer. Javi knew it too, because he was the one who opened Yuzuru's eyes. He also accepted Yuzuru's choice, as graciously as he accepted every silver medal.

"Are you okay?" Javi asked quietly, his lips brushing Yuzuru's temple, and Yuzuru realized that he was trembling slightly.

He had to get out before he would do something stupid. Before he would break a promie he had made to himself. Before he would hurt Javi more than he already had.

"I'm sorry." he said, his throat tight, and he pulled away a bit "I should go."

Javi was looking at him intently, one hand on Yuzuru's hip, the other one in his own pocket.

"What's going on?" he asked kindly and Yuzuru felt a shiver running down his spine. Why did it have to be like that?

"Could you kiss me?"

The question left his mouth before he had a chance to think it through, and he watched with clenched heart how Javi's expression change, hand slipping off of Yuzuru's hip. There were so many feelings on his face Yuzuru didn't even attempt reading him as his heart was beating wildly at the bitter realization that he had no right to ask for something like that.

He knew he should go, but he couldn't force his legs to move, so he just stood there, rooted to the spot and wait for Javi to do something, anything.

And Javi did, finally.

There was a flash of pain in his eyes when he took Yuzuru's face in his hands and kissed him, and in that moment everything else didn't matter anymore.

It wasn't like that other time, when Javi had been soft and tasting like tears. Now he was as warm as then, but also more decided, his kisses deeper, one fingers curling against Yuzuru's skin, tangling in his hair, burning just like every stroke of Javi's tongue.

Yuzuru couldn't think, he could only cling to Javi's shoulders and kiss him back with every bit of fire he had in him, because he probably would never get that again. Because it was just Javi taking pity on him, but Yuzuru didn't care in that moment, not when Javi's body was so solid and strong against his, not when his lips were moving over Yuzuru's so perfectly, drawing quiet moans out of him. 

When they pulled away Yuzuru was feeling dizzy, his head swimming, but he was painfully aware of the tightness of his chest and his hard on pressed against Javi's hip.

Javi's eyes were dark as he was looking at Yuzuru, lips parted, and Yuzuru felt like every cell of his body was filled with longing for that man.

If he was able to think rationally, he would stop. Make sure that Javi was okay, then walk away. 

But Yuzuru wasn't thinking straight and the only think he knew was that he wanted Javi. So he took three awfully big steps back and sat down on the edge of the bed. He locked his eyes with Javi's and kicked his shoes off before crawling back a bit. 

Maybe it wasn't fair, to do that to Javi, but Yuzuru didn't think about it. He only watched, his eyes wide and heart stuttering, as Javi was looking at him with something dark running through his gaze, an unnamed shadow. And then he breathed out deeply and moved, and Yuzuru's body tensed with excitement and anticipation. Javi crawled on top of him, his hands braced on both sides of Yuzuru's head, and Yuzuru's breathing hitched when he saw him from so close, his eyes hard and blazing. 

Yuzuru didn't feel like he could keep on looking at him, because that would make him think, and wonder, and hope, and he couldn't have that. So he moved up, trying to kiss him again, but Javi grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back, pinning him to the bed. Yuzuru yelped quietly, staring at Javi with wide eyes, his chest heaving, and Javi looked down at him darkly. 

"I don't need a consolation prize." he said lowly and Yuzuru gasped, feeling a sting in his heart, harsh and painful. 

He swallowed hard. 

There was no going back now. 

"I do." 

Javi blinked and his expression changed, the mask of stone breaking into pieces and showing Javi as he was, gentle and just a bit vulnerable. 

"Why do you keep on doing this?" he asked, reaching to grab the hem of Yuzuru's shirt "Coming to me only to leave me five seconds later?" he sneaked his hand under the fabric, his palm pressing against Yuzuru's stomach as he leaned over, so close Yuzuru could feel his hot breath "And why the fuck do I let you?" 

Yuzuru would answer, he really would, but he couldn't speak past the lump in his throat, so he just let Javi get rid of his shirt and then finally, finally, he leaned in and kissed him, with fire that made Yuzuru keen and writhe, asking for more wordlessly and trying not to think about Javi's words. 

He was desperate, and Javi noticed that, of course he did, and Yuzuru saw a flicker of something unbearably gentle before Javi moved his lips to Yuzuru's temple while his hand sneaked under the waistband of Yuzuru's pants, the touch making him whimper quietly. Yuzuru thought dizzily that it wasn't quite right that Javi was still fully clothed, but before he could voice it, Javi tugged on his pants, sliding them to his mid-tight along with underwear. 

And when he finally touched him, it almost felt like too much, Javi's calloused hand stroking Yuzuru's length in gentle, steady moves, and Yuzuru's lips fell open as if to scream, but the only sound he let out was a strangled moan. 

"Javi." he whimpered, asking him for more, always more, because he was so damn greedy like that, but before he could say more he was silenced by Javi's lips as he kissed him, deep and hard, and Yuzuru's whole body tensed up, pleasure building rapidly in the pit of his stomach. 

"I'm sorry." Javi said hoarsely, his lips tracing Yuzuru's jaw, and Yuzuru could feel his erection through the fabric of his pants, and it was making his head spin, hips moving a little against Javi's hand. 

"I'm sorry." Javi said again against the hollow of Yuzuru's throat "But I can't give you that. I can't." he said, his voice catching in his throat and he tightened his grip around Yuzuru's cock, and Yuzuru's whole body trembled violently, his muscles tensing.

It was almost painful, merciless strokes of Javi's hand, his teeth grazing the side of Yuzuru's neck. It maybe wouldn't be enough, on another day, with somebody else on top of him, but it was enough now for Yuzuru's tired, starved body. 

He came with a quiet moan that turned into a whimper, his body shaking with slight aftershocks as Javi kept on touching him soothingly. 

"There it is." he muttered, pressing a kiss to Yuzuru's jaw before crawling off of top of him, leaving him sprawled in the middle of the bed, chest heaving and mind still clouded, as if not realizing what had just happened and what it meant. 

He felt cold, suddenly. 

Javi was fumbling with his suitcase and Yuzuru could only see his back, tense line of his shoulders, and his heart was aching. He pulled himself into the sitting position, watching Javi wiping his hand with a towel before turning to look at Yuzuru. 

"Do you want to-" 

"Javi." Yuzuru said quietly "Come here." 

Javi blinked rapidly and three seconds later he moved, sitting on the edge of the bed and handing Yuzuru the towel. 

Yuzuru suddenly felt so bad he felt like he was going to throw up.

Why did you do that, he wanted to ask. It's not what you wanted. 

Why do you keep on letting me do that to you? 

He didn't have enough courage. 

"What about you?" he asked instead and Javi shook his head, giving him a tight half smile. 

"I'm good." 

A lie, such an obvious one. 

"Javi." 

"Yuzu, please." Javi said, a traces of desperation in his voice "Please, just- just go." 

"No." Yuzuru said, moving closer, feeling desperate too, but different than before, deeper, aching "No." 

"Yuzu-" 

Yuzuru didn't let him finish. 

He surged forward, pressing his lips to Javi's and muffling whatever it was that he wanted to say. 

Javi whined quietly, a small, pained sound, but he didn't pull back. Instead he brought his hand to Yuzuru's hair, keeping him in place, fingers pulling. Yuzuru was feeling frantic, adrenaline buzzing in his veins, and he pressed himself against Javi, trying to get as much as possible. 

"Please." Yuzuru mumbled "Please, let me."

He knew he didn't had any right to ask for more, but he still did, his hands coming to Javi's pants. 

Javi didn't oppose, as id all the will to restrain left his body. He let Yuzuru undress him, sighing when Yuzuru's fingers grazed his chest, tracing his trembling muscles. 

"Why are you doing this, Yuzu?" he asked shakingly as Yuzuru guided him to seat against the headboard "Why can't you just let me go?" 

He didn't sound angry, or mad. He sounded resigned, and choked up, and Yuzuru closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. 

It was always like that. Yuzuru backing off when things were turning too difficult, Javi accepting that with a strained smile. Distance, and pathetic attempts to keep at least a bit of friendship they once had. But Yuzuru couldn't stay away, he tried so hard, but he never could. So he came back and asked for something, for more, and Javi didn't have enough strenght. 

It wasn't fair, Yuzuru knew. It wasn't fair, and it was messed up, but it was what he needed. 

It was gratifying, to feel Javi's warmth under his lips, to feel his muscles clenching beneath his palms, knowing that he was the one drawing the quiet, choked out moans. 

It was gratifying, but somehow it still felt like taking, Javi's fingers pulling his hair harshly, a loud whimper leaving his lips as his body trembled and Yuzuru closed his eyes, savouring every bit. 

It still felt like taking. 

He pressed a kiss to Javi's hip before straightening up and looking at him, his heart pounding. Javi was breathing hard, his eylids fluttering as he was watching Yuzuru, swallowing hard. 

Yuzuru knew he couldn't demand more. 

"Thank you." he said softly, his throat raw "And I'm sorry." 

Javi shook his head slowly, gaze turning more clear with every second. He looked calm now, relaxed even, and everything in Yuzuru was itching to kiss him. But he didn't, his hands curling on the sheets, lungs feeling empty. 

Javi exhaled deeply and reached out with his hand, touching Yuzuru's cheek with so much more softness than he deserved. 

"We can't do it anymore." he said "I can't. I can't wait for you, not like that." 

Yuzuru's heart pounded with ache, because he knew. 

He knew that it could be different. 

But it would mean that he had to change, and that... that was something he couldn't do. Not even for Javi. 

"I'm sorry." he whispered, his lips feeling cold, and Javi shook his head. 

"Don't apologize, Yuzu." he said quietly "Just let me go. Please, let me go." 

"Okay." Yuzuru whispered "Okay." 

Javi smiled at that, gentle, tired smile. 

"Congrats on your win, Yuzu. You deserved that one." 

Javi's eyes closed as he sighed deeply, with exhaustion, and Yuzuru's heart stuttered as he wondered if he would ever be good enough to deserve him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys for reading!


End file.
